AS ELECTIONS LOOM, MATHMATICIANS, PUNDITS ASSAIL UNEXPECTED CANDIDATE

Carl Huff’s Bid Negligible, Disturbing Experts Say

KANSAS CITY, MO 5/1/08 - When Carl Huff announced his plans to become president of the United States last Saturday, the son of humble Kansas City tailors believed his own earnest words. Statisticians, probability experts and political analysts from around the world did not.

“I used to want to drive a truck,” Huff announced to classmates during a birthday party for fellow 1st grader Jane Haegglestrom in Kansas City’s Bourne Park. “But now I’m going to be president.”

The assembly of children quickly endorsed Huff’s bid for high office. But even before they’d polished off Haegglestrom’s chocolate birthday cake and made fun of Jeffrey Zeitlin for wetting himself the world’s top math minds were warning that Huff’s chances were slim. Some analysts have suggested Duff’s surprise bid is irresponsible.

“The odds of some snot-nosed, poor-boy from Backwater, USA, rising above his lower middle class background, being embraced by the country’s political elite and raising hundreds of millions of other people’s dollars to become an American president at some point in some unnamed future are basically null,” said Hans Wilder, Dean Emeritus of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and widely considered the father of modern statistical analysis. “What the fuck was Duff on when he opened his cake-filled little trap?”Presidential Candidate Carl Huff yanks on Jeffrey Zeitlin's urine-soaked pant leg at Jane Haegglestrom's birthday party. Huff's bid for high office is controversial.

“Duff? President?” responded jailed Chinese mathematician Liu Hun in a phone interview from Beijing’s Xai Tao Prison. “It’s statistically more probable that I’ll be freed before my 80th birthday. And that ain’t gonna happen.” (Liu has been serving a life sentence since 1979 after he attempted to pass a Rubick’s Cube shortcut to US Embassy officials in Hong Kong.)

Inside the Washington DC beltway pundits have questioned the timing of Duff’s announcement. On CNN’s Crossfire liberal host Jeffrey Zorts said Huff’s entry into the race would only reinforce Republican John McCain’s bid. “We’ve seen enough bloodletting between Obama and Clinton. Now it’s a three way battle.”

Its presumed Duff would seek the Democratic nomination given that his parents are both registered Democrats. Although the child has not yet indicated he knows what a political party is.

Both Democratic contenders lost no time in attacking Duff’s record.

“Puny little fuck with stars in his eyes,” said Hillary Clinton during a stop in Missouri yesterday. “With zero foreign policy experience.”

Barak Obama was equally adamant against Duff entering the campaign. When a reporter pointed out that the minimum age for a US president is 35 Obama seemed to suggest that that wasn’t the point.

“Today the age limit may be 35 but if we elect a 6 year old what’s he gonna do? He’s gonna change the law. Small children do that. They change the rules right under your feet. Try playing kickball with 1st graders. You can’t win.”

Still, some say Duff’s youthful views on major issues such as terrorism, the economy and bed-time could bring a welcome sense of change to the White House. At a pro-Duff rally in Dayton, OH, over the weekend college student and activist Dale Sartre carried a poster reading “We’ve Had Enough. Vote for Duff.” In past elections Sartre has voted for Lyndon LaRouche.

Calls to the Duff family home this week were not returned. A reporter who knocked at the Duff’s door was received by two bleary eyed adults in pajamas.

“We have no comment,” said the woman. “It’s 3 in the fucking morning.”