BUSH HAILS IRAQ SUCCESSES

Washington, DC 7/14/07 - President George W. Bush proclaimed at a White House press conference today that the war in Iraq had a '90 percent success rate,' to date, based on 10 benchmark goals laid out in his Revised Long-Term Srategic Plan for Iraqi Reconstruction issued last November.

“I can stand here today and tell the American people that progress is being made,” the President said. “In Iraq today there are signs of life returning to normal.” The president went on to list areas where the US led coalition is earning 'satisfactory' marks based on assessments from both US military leaders on the ground and Iraqi political leaders.

1. Water. The Army corp of Engineers reports that while most dams and water purification plants have been destroyed since the war began, water continues to flow downhill in areas characterized by sloping ground.

2. Electricity. Engineers say power outages continue to plague Baghdad and the provinces but note that 3 million 220-volt Black and Decker extension cords that accidentally made it onto a medicinal supply frigate have been distributed to Iraqi citizens.

3. Roads. The administration has pledged to try to find all roads, avenues, alleys and lanes buried beneath rubble by 2040.

4. Hygiene. US health officials say for the first time since the war began Iraq does not smell worse than Haiti.

5. Technology. The Bush administration announced it has a secured a pledge from Sony to donate 1,500 latest generation PlayStation video consuls to Iraqi children as soon as the electricity comes back on and their parents can find jobs and save enough money to buy televisions.

6. Culture. To compensate for the loss of Iraqi's priceless library and art collections looted under the gaze of US soldiers in 2002, the US Army has announced it will build a new 'Ice Hockey Hall of Fame' in Basra. In addition singer/film star Bernadette Peters will tour the country flashing her tits at both Sunnis and Shiites.

7. Medicine. Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki says 1,000 new doctors began practicing family medicine around the country this year. This, after the Iraqi government put medical students on an emergency 'fast track' program in response to a doctor shortage. Surgeons now study for 3 weeks instead of the traditional 4 year progam, plus two years of residency. The crash course focuses mainly on limb retrieval and blood staunching.

8. Economy. President Bush said that contrary to popular belief, small businesses were starting to flourish in Iraq's major cities. He pointed to three thriving sectors as proof: Coffin subcontracting, traumatic nightmare therapy and taxi services that ferry people out of the country. And while there are no operational savings banks in Iraq, Iraqi finance officials say they're seeing success with a pilot program in which citizens bury their money.

9. Human Rights. Bush said US intelligence sources report that new born babies are no longer being whisked straight into torture facilities. Also, Iraqi free speech advocates are hailing a parliamentary pledge to allow the use of compound sentences on market day.

In his closing remarks on the White House lawn yesterday, President Bush conceded that security issues continue to be the main obstacle impeding Iraq's fledgling democracy. Specifically, he pointed to the thousands of innocent people the US continues to kill via inaccurate air strikes and poorly planned 'sting' operations against terrorists that often leave old people and children dying in pools of their own blood. In addition, he admitted that he's still concerned about widespread sectarian violence between minority Sunnis and Shiite Muslims, and the fact that the people of Iraq no longer speak to or look at each other.