UNITED STATES TO SIGN GLOBAL ANTI-MINE ACCORD

Landmark agreement to Ban so-called ‘Cluster Bombs’ also in the Works

Rights groups worry about next generation of weapons

Washington, DC – 5/13/08 President George W. Bush told reporters Monday that the United States, the world’s largest producer of anti-personnel mines, would veer course dramatically and support an immediate, global ban on the devices. The decision marks a sharp reversal in U.S. foreign policy and is seen as an effort by the administration to soften its bellicose image resulting from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. However the president warned that America would not accept a ban on the horrific types of injuries land mines can inflict.

“America will no longer make mines,” the President told reporters at the White House. “It’s that simple. One day we’ll be able to say, ‘Mines? Not mine’.”

Surrounded by child victims of mine explosions from Bosnia to Vietnam, the president underscored that a complete ban on mines would radically reduce civilian casualties due to mines.

“You shouldn’t be here today,” Bush said, addressing his maimed and hobbled guests, some of them wincing due to their semi-healed wounds or chronic, unexplainable pains. “You, Thin Woh, you should be playing soccer with your friends. Or hunting termites. And Junko Stavic, my new friend, I can see you flying dirigibles. America is going to see to it that not one more person joins your ranks due to mines. But that does not include other forms of weaponry that target civilian populations in order to induce generalized terror.”

The president’s remarks were warmly received by the UN-backed End the Mines Treaty campaign. So far 128 nations haved signed the Treaty. Campaign spokeswoman Linda Evans said the president had taken a brave step “so that people everywhere can step bravely where before they could not step.” According to End the Mines there are some 6 million unexploded and unaccounted for mines in the world. Each year thousands of people are killed or injured by accidently setting them off, either by stepping on them or after adding them to stews.

During the president’s press conference he briefly ceded the microphone to Four star Army General and Assistant Chief of the Joint Staff Blake Woolsely. Woolsely underscored that the ban on mines would make the world safer from mines. But he said America would not let down its guard and let terrorists “run wild in our backyards, bedrooms and broom closets.”

“We continue to develop high technology, precision weapons systems to stay one step ahead of the bad guy,” Woolsely said. “If that means targeting the civilian populations where the terrorists may or may not be hiding then the weaponry will reflect that reality.”

Woolsely went on to describe several new weapons programs, including the Diaper Viper, a wall-penetrating, flaming projectile that can detect baby urine. He also made vague reference to ‘Operation We could Hear Them Screaming,’ a program rumored to involve chemicals that turn the soil into a hot, molten liquid. According to the Wall Street Journal, ‘We Could Hear Them Screaming’ has already been tested successfully in public markets in Eastern Europe.

“It’s a reality of war that innocent civilians will be maimed, burned and traumatized by weaponry dreamed up by the most creative military minds we can find,” President Bush said in his closing remarks. “But let it stand that America will not harm another child, even indirectly, with land-mines.”