TURKS, FEELING INCREASINGLY 'EUROPEAN,’ THREATEN WEST WITH UNPRECEDENTED CARNAGE IF SHUNNED BY EU.

ANKARA - 07/04/07 A top Turkish diplomat on Thursday pointed to a new opinion poll suggesting that Turks overwhelming ‘identify themselves with the West and Western values’ as proof that his country should join the European Union. Deputy Foreign Minister Edin Kupor made his comments as he boarded a plane bound for Belgium and another round of accession talks Wednesday. Kupor added that if the EU misses its opportunity to bring Turkey into the fold, ‘The severed heads of EU leaders will rot on stakes under the hot Brussels sun.’

The opinion poll, carried out in Turkey’s four largest cities in June, suggests that the cultural and religious lines that once divided Turks from the West are eroding. For example, said Bora Arad, director of Istanbul's Proforma Agency which conducted the survey, more than 74 percent of Turks responded ‘Hand-outs’ to the question: Would you rather accept billions of dollars in EU hand-outs or continue raising goats?

Arad said his study weakens long-held stereotypes about Turkey as a sociallly conservative nation with its back turned toward the West and its more liberal values.

“And if this doesn’t convince Europeans, perhaps the tips of our swords will sway them," Arad said. ‘We Turks are an accommodating people. But push us too far and you’ll know no worse nightmare.” At a news conference held for the international press in Ankara, Arad gave a Powerpoint presentation on an ancient Ottoman technique for disembowling enemies. He said such techniques “were no longer in use, for the most part,” but resided in the Turks’ ‘collective memory” and could easily be employed to inflict the utmost suffering on occidentals, who, he said, really deserved it.

Europe is divided over the Turkey question. England, Spain and rotating EU president Portugal argue for accepting Turkey. They say snubbing the Muslim nation of some 80 million people would cause a radical backlash against the West. But France’s new president, Nicolas Sarkozy, believes Turkey’s values and traditions are not European.

In a parallel debate, human rights groups are questioning Turkey on its treatment of minorities and women. Before departing Ankara, minister Kupor said that Turkey was making progress on the issue of gender equality. But, he warned, “Do not talk about our women. Or we will take yours.”

Meanwhile on the streets of Istanbul signs of Europe's influence are increasingly pervasive. Women dressed in designer clothes drink coffee at shi-shi outdoor cafes. Men with ipods peck at laptops. Men with laptops peck at ipods. 28 year old resident and schoolteacher Ilzik Tusch, sipping a Starbucks double mocachino, said young Turks aspire to the same things as their counterparts in Europe.

“I wan nu go thu Amthterdam an thmoke pot,” he said. Tusch, speaking with the aid of a speech therapist, had his tongue cloven in two recently by police after they found hashish in his pants.

Turkey began its application for EU membership 5 decades ago. And some Turks are losing patience despite their deepening identification with the West. Iskel Han, a nightclub DJ in Istanbul, said after a recent concert at which young Turks writhed til dawn to the thump of Western techno music that joining the EU was a de facto formality.

Young people already ‘feel occidental,’ he said, "Just look at us." But he warned a journalist, “It is a delicate moment in history. I could have you enslaved on a galley ship before dawn and sold to the highest bidding homosexual sheik on the Caspian Sea if you're not careful." He said such unpleasantness could easily be avoided by putting Turkey on a fast-track to EU membership.