VATICAN DECLARES AREA MAN HARDLY A SAINT

The Vatican – 8/8/07 Pope Benedict the XVI made public today the Catholic church’s latest list of venerables, paving the way for their beatification and eventual sainthood. Among the candidates are martyrs and miracle performers, laymen and clergy alike, ranging across 3 centuries. Notably missing from the list is 31 year old Mamaroneck, NY, resident Christopher Ray Vorhees, according to a Vatican spokesman.

Vorhees, a dental technician who was born Catholic but rarely attends mass, reportedly lacks nearly all of the qualifications for sainthood.

Vorhees is not a known martyr and, according to church investigators from the Congregation of the Causes of Saints, he has not performed any miracle since raising eyebrows by graduating from high school.

“I’ve never pretended to be an angel,” wrote Vorhees, after a reporter contacted him by electronic mail. “After all, only the good die young!:)”

That kind of comment, scholars say, is sure to keep Vorhees on the Vatican blacklist. Giancarlo Lombardo is a Vatican watcher at Rome’s Pious IV Institute for Religious Studies.

“Vorhees is the kind of uninspired wise guy who seems destined to never curry favor among the Cardinals,” Lombardo said, his eyes fixed squarely on the Vatican. “None of us who watch the Vatican were surprised to see Vorhees’s name absent from the list once again.”

This is the 12th straight year that Vorhees has failed to impress the Holy See. (Minors under the age of 18 cannot quality for beatification, except in the strictest cases and with parental permission. In 2005 little Jeremy Boles of Lancaster, PA came close. The 11 year old allegedly turned an aborted skunk fetus into blankets which he distributed to poor people).

When asked via electronic mail whether he might begin attending mass more regularly or perform acts of charity to improve his poor image at the Vatican, Vorhees responded, “Hey, only the good die young!:) ” Which was exactly how he’d responded to earlier questions.